Kicking
by Rowvle
Summary: Set after Serenity. 'Zoe felt empty now. She'd walk through the corridors of the battered old ship and watch people walk by her, but never really see them.'


_Disclaimer: I wish I owned Firefly, but I don't D:_

_My first Firefly fanfic, so review and tell me what you think :D  
I was listening to My Immortal by Evenescence while writing this so that's probably why it's so depressing XD_

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Zoe felt herself vanishing. Day after day, she'd revert back into herself. She'd barely speak, she'd barely eat. She never cried, she hadn't cried, she couldn't cry. Whenever she was asked how she was feeling, she'd reply with a short sharp 'fine'. Whenever Kaylee told her that if she needed anything, she could speak to her, Zoe would tell her that she didn't need anything, and that she was perfectly 'fine'. Even though her mind was screaming, longing for comfort, for somebody to talk to, her mouth spoke the exact opposite of how she was feeling, and sometimes she resented herself for it. Even River tried to help in her own little way. She'd sit beside Zoe on her bed while she cleaned guns, for hours, explaining mathematic and scientific problems that even Zoe herself didn't understand. Most people didn't understand River though, and River had grown quite accustomed to that.

Not even the soothing sight of the deep black could sooth Zoe's thoughts after the accident. She'd often have nightmares about it, maybe even twice or three times every night. She'd see him, piloting the Serenity, she'd be standing right beside him. They'd be out, they'd be safe. 'Like a leaf on the wind'... Zoe would always wake up in a cold sweat. But he would never be there to brush her tears away, hold her and tell her that everything would be okay. He'd never be there.

The wounds were too open, too fresh. They would never fully heal. Zoe would never truly be freed by the crushing heat breaking sadness that was taking over her. She would never show it, but she felt as if part of her had died along with him and that she would never be fully whole again. She tried to put on a brave front, act as casually as possible in front of her friends, but inside it was crushing her. She felt as if she was trapped in a cold dark cage, unable to ever find the key and free herself.

She began to feel more distant from the others as the days rolled on. After the funeral, she felt as if she couldn't call Serenity her home anymore. She felt as if the only person who made her feel wanted and at home was gone forever and it would be a lifetime before she'd see him again. This made her sad, it made her hate the place she once called home.

Zoe felt empty now. She'd walk through the corridors of the battered old ship and watch people walk by her, but never really see them. She cut herself off from her friends, her adopted family, and many of them worried. Sometimes Zoe saw Simon and Kaylee walking hand in hand down one of the ships many corridors, laughing and smiling. She'd watch them, detached from reality, she'd watch them and feel a pang of sadness pull at her heart. That used to be Wash and Zoe. Not anymore.

Often, Zoe fund that sometimes she'd forget. Half asleep and bleary eyed, she'd stumble into the cockpit of Serenity and expect to see him there. Mal would turn, give her a smile, ask her if she was okay. Zoe normally replied with her usual 'fine' or not say anything at all and find the cold way back to her bunk alone. On one of these occasions, Malcolm turned, smiled and as always asked her if she was okay.

"Fine," Zoe replied, running a hand through her mane of hair and turning on her heel to go back to her bunk.

"I get nightmares too y'know," Mal spoke carelessly, not even looking up from the controls.

"Pardon me Captain?" Zoe found it odd for him to just come out with this with no reason to.

"Nightmares," he turned to face Zoe "I know you have nightmares about it Zoe. I just wanted you to know that it's okay to have nightmares. Shows you're human."

"And what do you have bad dreams about Captain?" Zoe enquired, stepping further into the room, her gaze not resting on Malcolm, but on a plastic Tyrannosaurus Rex positioned on the flight control just behind his head.

"Reavers," Malcolm told her "I dream about them. I dream about how violent, sick, animalistic and unfeeling they are. Then I remember they're human...and that's what truly scares me. Do you know what I do when I have nightmares Zoe?"

"No Captain," Zoe's gaze slowly wandered from the plastic dinosaur and towards Mal "...What do you do?"

"I forget about it. I don't think about it. Move on, don't linger," Malcolm looked at her, dead set in the eyes "Don't linger on the nightmares, Zoe. I'm tellin' you this as a friend, not as your Captain or anything else, but as your friend. You have to let go Zoe," he'd stood up now, a hand on Zoe's shoulder "You have to remember the good times, don't let him have died, for nothin'."

Zoe's brown eyes caught Malcolm's, and she smiled. The first time she'd smiled since it happened. It felt wrong on her face, as if she shouldn't smile, but inside her heart it felt so right. Mal smiled too, the look on his friends face made him feel as if he'd done something right.

"Thank you Malcolm," she smiled, turned and left, leaving Mal with a warm feeling that his advice had helped her.

Her face was wet before she reached her bunk. She hadn't realised until she lay down and felt her chest heaving with emotion. The tips of her fingers felt her face. Tears. She was crying. She suddenly couldn't hold on to her emotions and let go. That night, she felt truly free. He was dead, yes, and Zoe would always be sad about it. But she had to remember the good times, not linger on the event that had torn her entire world apart.

Zoe covered herself up with her blanket and wiped the tears from her face. Her eyes rested on the empty spot in the bed beside her before she closed her eyes and dreamt.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

It had been six months since the accident and things were running like clockwork. Serenity was still a trading ship and was on the move almost all of the time. Everybody on the ship was content. Simon had proposed to Kaylee, who obviously said yes. Their wedding was going to be in the summer. Kaylee had insisted on a cake, covered entirely in strawberries. Simon agreed, but told her that she was sweet enough already. River wanted a pretty dress, she was to be their flower girl. Although her dress was to be elegant, she would not part with her army boots. Anyway, she had told them, it looks eclectic. Simon had laughed.

Zoe was pleased for the two of them. Young and in love, she and Wash had been like that once. She still thought about him often, but laughed about his memory, rather than cried. Still, sometimes she was so sure that in the night she could feel a hand on her head, softly stroking her hair until she fell asleep. Sometimes she'd look, and there'd be nobody there. But that was okay, Wash had never truly left Zoe.

She could feel the baby kicking now.


End file.
